The Stages of Divorce With Kids: What to Expect as Your Case Progresses
The divorce process can be emotionally draining and unsettling. Children, too, oftentimes experience a wide range of emotions in response to the breakup of the family unit as they know it.
While no two children are exactly alike in how they react, parents’ decision to separate or divorce significantly impacts the family dynamic. It is not unusual for children to go through a grieving process when their parents choose to end the marriage. As you chart a path forward for your family, it is in the best interest of your children to recognize and address their emotions as they arise.
Divorce with kids can be challenging, but your family can come out of it facing a bright future. In this article, we will discuss some of the emotional stages that children go through, as well as specific actions parents and other trusted adults can take to help the kids adjust to their new circumstances. We will also consider a few additional tips for a successful divorce when children are involved.
The Emotional Stages of Divorce for Children
As your divorce case progresses, your children will try to process this change in their lives. You may encounter changes in the kids’ emotional and physical behavior. Often referred to as the five stages of grief, parents’ separation can bring a tidal wave of intense feelings for children.
It should be noted that children may not experience the different stages of divorce grief in an exact order. On the contrary, it is common for kids to move through various stages simultaneously or even sporadically.
Stage 1: Disbelief and denial
When children first learn of their parents’ decision to divorce, they may go through a stage of shock and denial. Young children may have a particularly difficult time wrapping their minds around the breakup of their family.
Some kids will work to convince themselves that the separation is temporary and soon everything will return to normal. Others may appear indifferent to the divorce or cling to daily routines and interactions, as if the family unit remains unchanged.
As a parent, it is important to let your children process the family changes at their own pace. Encourage open dialogue and reassure them of your love and support. Endeavor to create a nurturing and consistent environment for them throughout the transition.
Stage 2: Anger
Once children begin to acknowledge their parents really are getting divorced, they often shift into a phase of anger. Kids do not typically understand the complexity of adult relationships. Thus, when parents separate, they may feel confused and frustrated. Such feelings can manifest themselves in angry outbursts.
At times, a child will deal with his or her anger by singling out one parent to be mad at – perhaps assigning that one blame for the breakup of the family. As a parent, this can be an especially difficult phase as your divorce progresses.
Do all you can to be patient, understanding, and loving. By remaining calm and validating your child’s feelings, you can do much to help him or her move through the anger stage of divorce grief.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Sometimes, children adopt a misplaced sense of responsibility for the divorce. Feelings of guilt can move children to try and find a way to get their family back together.
It is not uncommon for kids to believe that if they only behave better, work harder in school, or give up things they like or need, then their parents won’t divorce after all. In the bargaining stage, children are working through the false belief that they are the reason for their parents’ separation.
Work to assure your children that they are not the reason for the divorce. Gently help them to understand that the divorce is final and permanent. While this may take time for every child to accept, each will gradually come to terms with the reality of the divorce and relinquish false hopes for reconciliation.
Stage 4: Depression
During the divorce process, children can feel that their lives are falling apart. Sadness and depression are common markers of divorce grief in both children and adults. Children may even believe their parents’ rejection of each other is a rejection of them as well.
When depression triggered by a divorce sets in, a child may withdraw from family and friends. You may see a difference in his or her academic performance, social behaviors, and personal-care routine. It is critical to support your child during this period of depression and sadness.
Try to create a nurturing environment that makes your child feel safe. Establishing a familiar routine for your children in their new circumstances can ensure they feel rooted and secure. Additionally, be alert to changes in your child’s behavior and signs of depression. Help each of your kids develop healthy coping mechanisms, and don’t be afraid to seek professional support to assist your family through this difficult period.
Stage 5: Acceptance
When children enter the acceptance phase of divorce grief, this doesn’t automatically mean they are content with the new family dynamic, but it does signal a turning point in their coping process. By this point, they should finally acknowledge and accept that their parents are not getting back together.
To help your children come to accept the divorce, give them the emotional space they need to work through their feelings. Allow them to freely express their grief, fear, frustration – and other emotions. Remember that, as your divorce case progresses, your children need you now more than ever. Focus on the positive aspects of your new family life, thereby reassuring them of your love and support.
Further Tips for a Successful Divorce With Kids
Statistics show that there are 2.5 divorces per 1,000 people in the United States. A good number of divorcing spouses have children. If this is the situation you find yourself in, there are several actions you can take to mitigate the impact of the divorce on your kids. Here are a few suggestions as your case progresses.
Shield children from legal proceedings
In most instances, there is no reason for your children to be present during the divorce proceedings. Kids should not be emotionally burdened with the details of their parents’ breakup. What’s more, it can be upsetting for children to witness potentially contentious interactions between their parents and an attorney or judge.
Don’t alienate the other parent
It is in your best interest to avoid bad-mouthing or complaining about your spouse to your children. Otherwise, you may alienate your kids from their other parent – causing potentially lasting harm to their relationship. Additionally, repeated bad-mouthing and disparaging remarks may affect the court’s custody decisions and child support arrangements.
Act with your children’s future in mind
When divorcing, it is vital for both spouses to consider the children’s long-term needs. While agreements will need to be made to fully meet your kids’ current daily physical needs, make sure to factor future costs into the divorce settlement.
Even if your children are still quite young, it is wise to plan how their college tuition and other costly things will be shared post-divorce. Doing so will ensure your kids are taken care of, potentially saving you a lot of stress in the long run.
Reach Out to Our Compassionate Utah Family Law Attorneys for Help
Navigating the various stages of divorce with kids can be an incredibly taxing experience. You may be dealing with your own pain, while at the same time worrying about the emotional impact the divorce is having on your children. Under such circumstances, please know that you do not have to go it alone.
The experienced and empathetic attorneys at Brown Family Law are adept at handling all manners of divorce proceedings and child custody cases. While divorces involving children can involve a number of legal challenges, we can use our knowledge and resources to guide you through every stage of the process. Best of all, we will do the legal legwork when you hire us, so that you can maximize time with your kids who need you.
We provide affordable and compassionate divorce attorney services. Please get the help your family needs today. Call 801-685-9999 or use our online contact form to schedule a consultation. With Brown Family Law on your side, you and your children can be optimistic about what lies ahead.
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